Five

What Isn’t…

Julianna — Fri, 23 May 2008 22:20:20 +0000

I need my heart to race
Sweat rolling down my spine
Obsession is addicting
Digressions are my binds.

Control is my Escape
For Freedom would be Rape

I need perfection.
I need Precision.
I need Exactness.
Therefore no indecision

I sabotage my dream
For I long to regret tomorrow
Anything to prove the lie
Obsessing over what isn’t.

Suck the life from loved ones
Cross boundaries to escape
Smother the ones I love
Suffocate my comfort place.

Never get enough
Never get that fill
Begging for what isn’t
Longing for that thrill.

Emptiness is consequence
The Loneliness
The Victimized

Seclusion was a choice
Never to be recognized.

Defense is my solution
Answers of all kinds
Courage not my go to
I choose failure every time.

I pray for freedom
I pray for trust
I pray for wisdom
Though beg for lust.

I pray for truth
I pray for Courage
Please God, Clarity!

All to see what isn’t;
Insincerity.

Patience seems impossible
Freedom no where near
I fester in what isn’t
I hide behind what’s real.

Vulnerability would expose me
Naked and Unrestrained
I hate what I can’t see
Mortified I would be!

Predetermined is the answer
Sameness every time
Foretelling my own future
The past of my own Mime.

Calculated to the tee
What is known can’t seep pain
Keep Smiling and be perfect
I think I live insane.

Wrapped up in what isn’t
Never looking to see what is.

Tears

Julianna — Sat, 03 May 2008 12:55:04 +0000

I lost myself
I checked-out
disconnected from the world
disassociated from the rest
I left my feelings at the back door of the house I grew up in when I was 9.

Distracting myself became my main addiction
I laughed…
grinned at things I couldn’t comprehend.

Today…
I am misunderstood..
alienated by my reality
lost from the rest
in hiding hoping someone will find me

Death crept upon me as if it were real
As if I had been the one decaying in the ground
I long to escape these pearly gates of misery
I long for freedom from this hell.

I cried for help but no one answered
I begged for freedom and no one cared
I was convinced I deserved this punishment.

The numbness would never subside.

The empty shell; free from pain.

Trapped in a tunnel
A place of confusion and deceit,
wrongful deception and seclusion.

God is my only witness
My only escape
My only light
the only hope

Without God I am an empty shell
or maybe just a safe place in the dark

Life is all that I want
To touch and be touched
the exchange of another’s warmth
To empathize those in mourning
To properly respect the other side
To put to death yesterday and be born again

I long for Freedom
I long for trust
I long for that lump in my throat
that I can no longer swallow.

I long for tears.
The freedom to be.

I am torn

Lauren — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 02:45:50 +0000

I am torn
I am tired
Of people telling me what I feel
If I am dedicated
What I plan to do
You will walk over me no more
I am my own person
I will make decisions for myself and no one else
This is my life
Cliché?
Screw it
It is
I will no longer lie to myself
I AM IN CONTROL
I will no longer let anyone else control me
Manipulate me
Even if they think it is for the better
I need to make my own mistakes
I want to
I am in charge
I am fully equipped to handle my own life
I love myself
And who I am becoming
Do not tell me who I am
Do not tell me what I think
Do not tell me what I want
Do not tell me whether I am dedicated or not
I don’t care how well you know me
I don’t care if you are my parents
My Boyfriend
My Best friend
I don’t care if you are my brain
You are not me
You are not my heart
You are not my soul
You will never decide anything for me
Only I have the power
the ability
the privilege
To be me.

Absolutely, If That’s Who You Want Me to Be!…The Pushover

Lauren — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 01:49:53 +0000

Absolutely, If That’s Who You Want Me to Be!

I am clay. Mold me as you please. Whatever you want, just please, please like me. I beg you.

This is who I am. I am not my own person, I am merely on earth to fulfill everyone else’s needs. Would you like me to tell you a joke? I am really funny. How about an impression, do you like impressions? If I can’t entertain you, if I can’t make you laugh there is no way you could possibly like me. This is the reality I have created for myself. Do not be fooled it is in no way altruistic but built from selfishness, insecurity and years of convincing myself that my opinion does not matter. Tell me your view about anything and I will agree with you. You can say something completely absurd that my values disagree with to the greatest extent and I will not say a word. The closest I will come to standing up for myself is staying completely silent, I may even nod my head so you don’t have the slightest inkling that I disagree with you. I am pathetic . I have successfully brainwashed myself to think that I am not worthy of anything good and I do not even count as a person. I am fully aware of my insecurities and how ridiculous all of this actually is, but I cannot get away from it. I cannot escape. This is who I am. Do you like me?

Becoming Bad Robots

five — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:29:11 +0000

What is a robot? A robot does an action without stopping to ask: WHY? A robot deals in categories and is suspicious of codes they do not recognize. Well, we are BAD ROBOTS. We decided to shatter the categories and rewrite the code. Clothes don’t matter, diverse personalities are welcome, and pasts are past. What you were yesterday is gone forever and who you are tomorrow is yet to be written. We allowed each other to see a little bit deeper under the skin and what we found was not what we expected. We had the same stories, the same fears, and the same dreams. For a moment, the image we put up for the world around us faded into the background and all we were was five women laughing and dreaming together sharing one common vision.

- Who are you when no one is watching?

Maybe I was Wrong

five — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 21:28:30 +0000

“Maybe I was wrong” we all began to think to ourselves. There is something more to the girl across the room. We began to see each other through less envious eyes. Maybe her life wasn’t so perfect. Maybe there was a reason for the way she dressed or spoke. Each of us was slowly able to see beyond the make-up, the act, or the disconnection. But society keeps us quiet, society tells us it is not okay to reach out to someone who is seemingly so different from you. But in the end, day after day, we each conform to what the other believes of us. We become how we are viewed instead of who we really are. A cycle is created, a current formed and we pretend to be the people we were yesterday.

- Is there a person in your life that you wish you could talk to; but you don’t?

My days seems to be filled with revelations…The Odd One

Linda — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 22:54:57 +0000

My days seems to be filled with revelations or maybe they are just things I’m finally willing to admit to myself after knowing for so long. But, being surrounded by these four other girls pouring their hearts out into this project, and finding that we all have so much in common with our struggles it’s hard to take my own story so seriously. It’s very easy to feel sorry for yourself but to know that other people go through the same things so frequently is starting to force me out of that mindset. I’m finding that when you quit on yourself you don’t just let yourself down. Everyone was put here to effect someone else, to push someone to be better and hopefully you get the same in return. There are struggles everyday but when we hear someone relay to us the times when they felt the same way and we see them doing better for themselves we know that it can and will get better, that it’s not a hopeless struggle. It’s great being able to see first hand that nothing could possibly be the end of the world; that with a little humility we can make it through anything. Nothing ever works out exactly how you want it to but it’s how you work with what you get that really matters.

Who would look at me? I can’t even look at myself…The Self Conscious One

Reyn — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 22:53:19 +0000

Hello. My name is Reyn Taylor. And I think I’m different than other people my age. Sometimes I feel powerful beyond what makes sense, and the better half of me yearns to be exactly what I am: untouchable, unexplainable, uninhabitable. I want to embrace my brilliance and inspire change- I feel destined to start a movement. But all you will ever see is who I have pretended to be. I am different. I am worse. I am lacking. I am not enough for me and will therefore never be enough for you. I am a swarm of frizzy curls and tired skin dotted with what one can only assume is the ultimate number of ugly freckles allowed on one person’s face at a time. I am so awkward. It’s ugly. I’m ugly. Too ugly to feel so beautiful on the inside. Too ugly to be brilliant. Too damn insignificant to be near anything that resembles perfection. Too damn disgusted with what I see in every picture ever taken- every pose that ever attempted to portray me as something beautiful. Who I am inside is a lie. That is the only explanation. And even if I were to find the courage to break away from this never ending cycle of what holds me down, who would look at me? I can’t even look at myself. It’s all too ugly.

I am always right…The Smart One

Tiffany — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 21:39:36 +0000

I am always right.

I always make the right decisions and I never make mistakes.
I have spent my life trying to prove these meaningless statements and all that I have learned is how to tighten my grip as though I have control over it all. All this time has been wasted trying to be the “ideal” some thing that I never really thought I was. I have stunted my own growth just to seem as though I was in control. I try to teach myself that a mistake is a tool; the important thing is how you use it, not that you made it. Life is about those little mistakes that teach you more and more about what it means to be human. It is not an easy lesson; but it is absolutely necessary.

Once Upon a Time…The Perfect One

Julianna — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 21:15:34 +0000

Once Upon a Time…

I created an image that I was certain would make others incredibly envious and intimidated by and as a result they would somehow magically like me because they would aspire to be me; PERFECT!

I created an image that I thought would grant me my true friend, my perfect prince charming, the perfect job, the perfect car and the perfect life; a life FULL of content and abundance. I created an image that I thought would impress the entertainment industry and I would be a movie star and model in no time.

And there wasn’t anything that anyone could pick on me about anymore because I had already encompassed everything “they” wanted to be! I was beautiful, I was always happy and smiley, I was smart and I always had the answers to everyone’s problems…because I had none.

I created an image that I thought would have me noticed…recognized…praised for!

It was a beautiful fairytale and I got to be Cinderella…or did I?

And then I realized that this image that I had devoted all of my time and energy to served me no purpose because it served no one but ME.

My ego was being fed and yet I was still unhappy, furious by my results. My envious tactic had worked yet I still felt empty. My image had become destructive; a monster that I had created and didn’t know how to breakfree from. So, I contemplated destroying the image and just being authentic; Which meant I would have to open up to people; be vulnerable enough to take off the mask and feel again.

I have been numb for too many years…it seemed impossible..so far out-of-reach. What if no one liked the real Julianna? What if I wasn’t accepted for just being me?

Slowly I became the person I was born to be. Awkward and unique, loving and compassionate, inspiring and empowering… Slowly I began to see the beauty and sparkle in my eyes, the brilliant-minded people I had attracted in to my life, the amazing opportunities that were presented in my path, the most loving boyfriend I could ever had ask for, was finally recognizable and I had to face the mirror.

Shortly, thereafter I had FINALLY met my life-long best friend and God became my number one fan! I realized that I had ALWAYS been perfect without the make-up, without the clothes, without the front I had been forcing for so many years; just so that I could be noticed. And now, with no effort at all people recognize a beauty I didn’t even know I had.